The philosophy that you can only hate someone or something that you love has never really made sense to me…until the Sale came along. The line between love and hate is indeed, just that fine.
I love shopping. And, I love a good bargain. But sales…not so much. I mean I do. But…I don’t. It’s a complex love-hate relationship really which is kind of meta and goes a little like this:
I love Sale. She saves me £££. She’s seductive and exciting and I always look forward to seeing what she has to offer. Sale really screws me over. Theoretically she shouldn’t because Sales by nature make things easier for me. But Sale isn’t logical, and she’s not rational. She’s real and impulsive and that’s what I love about her but it’s also what screws me over. As soon as pay day comes along, every last penny is spent on Sales because that’s what you do for something you love. Oh and apparently I owe it to the 70% off red label to purchase *insert piece of crap you convince yourself is nice because it’s on sale*. Greedy b*tch.
Sale rail clothing
Sales turns me from valued goods of chastity into a drunken prostitute, basically. Before Sales came along I was clean, I looked good, I felt good (or so I thought.) Then she walks in and put it this way, there’s a reason only one reason I’m still around when Sales walks in, and it ain’t good. Before I know it my necklines are covered in some kind of orange-ness, I’m always inside out, usually sprawled on the floor and been fondled by a million different people – girls and boys. If things aren’t going well I might get really cheap and let anyone have me. There’s no playing hard to get with Sale.
New season clothing
We are always superior to the stuff Sale claims as her own. We see shoppers gaze at us longingly and we know what they’re thinking: ‘that will be on sale next season.’ But no, she won’t have us. You’ll never find us on Sale because full price stuff you actually like never goes on Sale it just disappears into another stratosphere of nice full priced clothing whilst the rail rejects move to £7.99 and everyone’s scrambling for them, when really it’s just to fill that void that misses us.
Sale has this unique ability to convince people they like her stuff when, really, they would never wear that. 70% and bam, your suddenly a sequin gal. 50% off and you’re all of a sudden thinking red does suit you. Doesn’t it?
Well, I’m here to tell you, Sale is playing you. She’s convinced all those other girls in the changing room that red and sequins suits them too and before you know it, you and most other suckers for Sale are walking around in all the same clothes that are a little too big for them, wooed by Sale. Again.
If you want a fast way to get a headache, forget a hangover. The returns line is more than enough to do it. My conspiracy is that Sale makes the returns line so horrendous that no one is willing to return anything anymore. So, we are forced to keep all this stuff that does not fit us, suit us, nor do we even like it. Instead, I lie in bed resting my over-exerted arms meditating over the loss of my money and sense. Better get unpacking ’cause that returns line is worse than Sale.
I have a conventional holiday season. I get over stuffed with goodies till I’m bursting at the seams. And, no one seems to mind because overindulgence doesn’t exist during holiday season. I love Sale because she over indulges me and whilst it lasts – boy is it fun. But you know what they say, easy come easy go. Before I know it Sale is off and I’m left so full of crap and nothing really good to show for it.
Pile of crap you purchased
Wardrobe is way better than the Sale rail. She was nasty. I may move on fast but I just want to be loved. Dear new owner: ‘Wear me, wear me, wear me!
I will never wear this pile of crap I just purchased. But its fine, it was on Sale.
Damn you Sale, I love you.