No Carbs Before Marbs
I remember towards the end of last year, after way too many Christmas parties and mince pies, my beach bod had turned into a lumpy ball of pudge. I’d done what I’d vowed never to do and that was get chubby. Me and the girls are heading to Marbella in the new year for my best friend’s 21st so a couple of months ago I made the resolution – ‘no carbs before marbs’. Here’s my diary about how the last few months have gone….
September 1st 2012
Started the day by researching what carbs actually are, turns out they’re in EVERYTHING. They’re bread, pasta, biscuits, rice, beans and bananas! Not really sure what I’m going to eat now. Finish the day by eating a KFC and heading out on the town, my last day ever eating carbs.
September 3rd 2012
Ate a carbohydrate. By ‘a’ carbohydrate I mean a full bucket of KFC chicken, complete with chips and beans and 2 litres of coke. Very hungover, diet starts tomorrow!
September 5th 2012
First day not eating carbs!! The only thing I have eaten all day is a whole cucumber, half an iceberg lettuce and several carrots. I’m starving!
September 12th 2012
Decided against the ‘no carbs’ diet, I can’t eat anything at all, I’m completely starving and my house mates have invited me to Nando’s. I’ve tried it for 10 days, I don’t think I’ve lost any weight whatsoever and I quite frankly miss food.
1st October 2012
Saw myself in my underwear and did a mini-sick in my mouth. Diet starts tomorrow.
5th October 2012
I-am-dying. Trying not to eat carbs, I’m living off raw vegetables – lettuce, cucumber and stir-fries…make that a LOT of stir-fries. I’m not even sure if carbs are in regular stir-fries but I’m not going to check. I’m just convincing myself that they’re fine.
10th October 2012
Day one of the cabbage soup diet – this diet boasts you lose 10lbs in one week!
Breakfast – bowl of fruit – went down fine
Dinner – Cabbage Soup – what the hell is this s***. It actually is the most disgusting thing ever, it burns as it goes down.
11th October 2012
End of the cabbage soup diet.
17th October 2012
Laid on the couch, surrounded by cake, sweets, kebab and fizzy drinks, watching Bridget Jones and accepting the fact I’m going to die alone.
23rd October 2012
As I’m writing this article I’ve realised today is the day I perhaps don’t need to put my body through all this disgusting food and pain. Today is the day I realise a Nando’s will ALWAYS be 100 times better than a bowl of cabbage soup or a stick of cucumber. Truth is gals and guys, diets don’t work. I’ve never met anyone who’s stuck to the no-carbs diet for longer than a week without passing out; if people say they have lasted longer – they’re lying! The cabbage soup diet doesn’t even deserve to exist- it’s vile, gives you diarrhoea and you pile the weight back on twice as fast as you lost it. What are you going to do about Marbs I hear you cry? Well, nothing. I’m going to give up getting a McDonald’s every day, give up drinking two litres of full fat coke a day, and actually go to the gym at least once a week – and if all this fails, just find somebody who will love me as I am.